Preface just to give this post a little context:
…my church has been reading through Revelations and right at the beginning, John is writing to a bunch of churches about how they’re doing and what they could/should be doing differently. Revvie (that’s my pastor) asked us to honestly consider which ‘church’ we felt we were right now. This was my response to her. I was absolutely NOT going to put it up but I read a post from a fellow blogger earlier today where the question was regarding what to do when you “lose the fire” for God (his post is here -you should def follow him- http://jsparkblog.com/2013/07/08/question-getting-back-the-fire-for-god/). Wanna let him/her, you, and me know that we aren’t alone in this. You’re not the only one. Trust.
So to Revelations…I’m Ephesus, 2:2-7. I don’t even know how to get back “there” right now (v4-5: But I have this against you: You have left the love you had in the beginning. So remember where you were before you fell. Change your hearts and do what you did at first.) I was in love when I was serving. I was in love when I was studying and writing. I was in love when I had time with Him. But most of all I was in love when it all seemed to matter and there was a direction. Now, I don’t see the point of all this scratching and clawing just to stay ‘true’. I can’t seem to put it in terms of “eternal life” as the prize cause I’m still trying to make it through THIS wack life. And this world will leave you a bloody, disgruntled, disappointed, and disillusioned mess if you let it. As I watch Christians do whatever they want, the government do whatever it wants, unbelievers do whatever they want, it just seems it would be easier to be a mediocre Christian and “live my life” too. I wouldn’t have to worry about impossibilities or doubts or God being bigger than my circumstances. I wouldn’t have to wait for answers or struggle through dry seasons or losses or fight with faith. I wouldn’t be forced to dream bigger than me or expect more. I wouldn’t have to deal with conscience or questions or care so much about the truth. I could just coast and live out the life satan figured I’d go for. Unfortunately, like Jeremiah, God tricked me into this life of MORE. I can’t shake it and I can’t move from it. I WISH I could doubt that but I absolutely cannot. I can’t be a Nicolatian – a Christian of compromise. He won’t let me. I ain’t regular. I’m chosen. And sometimes, it sucks.