Thursday, July 12 at 10:43a, I S.P.A.Z.Z.E.D. on this broad. I mean I straight lost it. When it was all said and done, I had not only threatened to punch her in the face, but was two steps from actually doing it (literally not proverbially) and crying like my momma died.
All over parking.
It took this really sweet young lady to take me by the hand and say it was ok. She knew the other lady was completely wrong and she understood, but it wasn’t worth it. Honestly, if it weren’t for her, I’d likely have been locked up or at least in the precinct somewhere. #grace
I cried for about 45 minutes straight. The water just wouldn’t stop flowing. And what scared me the most was that I didn’t know where it came from….all I knew was that I was ON READY.
When I got it together, I heard Him ask me if I was really ready to heal now…and I completely understood why His question. He, like no other, knows me. He knows that typically if I don’t see it, I don’t get it. And what he needed me to see was ME. He needed me to see what’s gonna happen if I don’t allow Him to finally heal this thing that we’ve been dancing around for years. Cause what was bananas about the whole episode was that I wasn’t angry. I was wronged. Wronged for no reason. Wronged when you knew you were wrong and shouldn’t have done it but you took advantage of the situation simply because you could (e.g. like being molested). And when I feel wronged, I go into fight mode. I have to defend me cause nobody else is gonna. But this time made me nervous, because I’d never been that ready to throw all caution to the wind and go Rambo. I also never realized how much that feeling is so deeply rooted in my being molested and the fact that my fight comes from never being able to protect myself – and never feeling protected.
In typical fashion, my Father uses my distress to not only help somebody else, but to know Him better.
Fast forward to Friday morning. A simple “Happy Friday” to a friend turned in to an hour long conversation trying to calm him down. He had been completely wronged. Wronged for no reason. Wronged when you knew you were wrong and shouldn’t have done it but you took advantage of the situation simply because you could.
And I had to say to Him the exact same things that God was telling me:
“Love, you didn’t do anything wrong. And no… I’m not punishing you. I’ve never had to because you’ve done a bang up job of that all on your own. You’ve been punishing yourself and everyone around you. Now THAT’S your wrong. Wanna talk about unfair. Someone else splashes mud on you and you try to wipe it off on other people. And I never asked nor required that of you. As a matter of fact, it’s the complete opposite of everything I’ve ever said. It’s time to let go now.”