Daily Archives: July 24, 2012

The Envy of the Unloved

“What’s it like to be in love? That’s all I been thinking of.
And I was just wondering, will love ever know me?
…my heart is open, and I’ve been hoping
To find what it is everybody keep on talking ’bout
What’s it like to be in love? That’s all [I’m] thinking of
And I was just wondering, will love ever know me?
…my heart is open, and I’ve been hoping
Somebody show me, what’s it like to be in love?”  What’s it Like – Jagged Edge
“The stronghold of ENVY”      James 4:2-3; Galatians 5:19-21 (CEV/MSG)
You want something you don’t have, and you will do anything to get it. You will even kill! Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. But you still cannot get what you want, and you won’t get it by fighting and arguing. You should pray for it.  [But] you wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. And even when you do pray, your prayers are not answered, because you pray just for selfish reasons.  It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.
A lot, if not all, of the trouble I have had with God is that if he was so “loving” to allow me to be molested, then why can’t he be loving enough to allow real love in my life and we can work all the other details out later. So what if every word you said up there was right. So what that you hit my life’s head right on the nose.  My question to You is how you can allow the people who hurt me to be “loved” but you put me on hold? No. Not hold. Stop. Complete and total stop. I barely even get a “hello” from gentlemen anymore. And while my stop is going on, you still flaunt other people’s “love” in my face – especially the ones that make me raise an eyebrow at them and myself.  Then, not only do you keep love from me, but then you tell me that I’m trying to get my own way??? I’ve never been loved, I’ve been taken advantage of and pressed down, but I’m being selfish???
God don’t play when He has a point to make.  A lot, if not all, of my major mind issues come from being molested. I am very clear about that now and I never have been. I tried to attribute my them to everything but that.  I also thought I knew all the major issues that I had…until recently.
I don’t have an issue with not having, or in this instance, being single.  I don’t have an issue with asking for love — I feel like I’ve been begging for it my whole life.  I also don’t have an issue with recognizing that why I want what I want is inherently selfish cause I never really concerned myself with what He may want out of it. I just want to not be single because frankly, I deserve to have someone love me for all that God has allowed this life to try and suck out of me.  So it’s the allowing stuff that I didn’t ask for and didn’t do nothing to ask for that I still can’t reconcile.
And yes, I know the Christian answers when you feel life has been unfair: “Jesus didn’t deserve what he got”, “you’ve done to God and to people” and “it’s for your good and His glory”, but frankly, neither of those answers change anything. Knowing that in my head ain’t healed my heart.
But my heart is catching up.