Daily Archives: July 16, 2012

the Trouble

“Every writer I know has trouble writing.” Joseph Heller

As I was sitting here staring at the wordpress app, debating whether to close the window (again) or click ‘new post’, I noticed that quote. Timely.

I wasn’t going to write again. Definitely not now…probably not any time soon. I dare not say ‘never’ because I know for sure that wasn’t going to happen if my Abba had anything to do with it.

My trouble isn’t with writing, it’s with what I have to write. But I know that I have to, simply because I don’t want to.

I’m on a final journey of healing. Healing from being molested. Healing from every crooked decision I’ve made because of it. Healing from never trusting in anything or anyone, including and most of all God.  *and before you get your face all twisted, you must understand that BELIEVING and TRUSTING are two very different garanimals.

Up to now, I’ve chatted with God about deliverance and healing and His answer to me was always “my grace is sufficient”. He pissed me off with that cause I never really understood it – at least not until now. I was never ready. I never knew how desperately I needed to deal with having been robbed and cheated of my self-worth, my dignity, my ability to choose, and my freedom.  But even more, He knew even better than I did. So His grace has allowed me to make those retarded decisions and suffer minimally (considering the alternatives). But now, because of his Love, in addition to his grace, he is adding his complete and total healing.

It’s only taken 38 years, 8 months, and 16 days.