Monthly Archives: July 2012

Two Wrongs

Thursday, July 12 at 10:43a, I S.P.A.Z.Z.E.D. on this broad. I mean I straight lost it. When it was all said and done, I had not only threatened to punch her in the face, but was two steps from actually doing it (literally not proverbially)  and crying like my momma died.
                                All over parking.
It took this really sweet young lady to take me by the hand and say it was ok. She knew the other lady was completely wrong and she understood, but it wasn’t worth it.  Honestly, if it weren’t for her, I’d likely have been locked up or at least in the precinct somewhere. #grace
I cried for about 45 minutes straight. The water just wouldn’t stop flowing. And what scared me the most was that I didn’t know where it came from….all I knew was that I was ON READY.
When I got it together, I heard Him ask me if I was really ready to heal now…and I completely understood why His question. He, like no other, knows me. He knows that typically if I don’t see it, I don’t get it. And what he needed me to see was ME. He needed me to see what’s gonna happen if I don’t allow Him to finally heal this thing that we’ve been dancing around for years. Cause what was bananas about the whole episode was that I wasn’t angry. I was wronged. Wronged for no reason. Wronged when you knew you were wrong and shouldn’t have done it but you took advantage of the situation simply because you could (e.g. like being molested).  And when I feel wronged, I go into fight mode. I have to defend me cause nobody else is gonna.  But this time made me nervous, because I’d never been that ready to throw all caution to the wind and go Rambo. I also never realized how much that feeling is so deeply rooted in my being molested and the fact that my fight comes from never being able to protect myself – and never feeling protected.
In typical fashion, my Father uses my distress to not only help somebody else, but to know Him better.
Fast forward to Friday morning.  A simple “Happy Friday” to a friend turned in to an hour long conversation trying to calm him down.  He had been completely wronged. Wronged for no reason. Wronged when you knew you were wrong and shouldn’t have done it but you took advantage of the situation simply because you could.
And I had to say to Him the exact same things that God was telling me:
“Love, you didn’t do anything wrong.  And no… I’m not punishing you. I’ve never had to because you’ve done a bang up job of that all on your own. You’ve been punishing yourself and everyone around you. Now THAT’S your wrong. Wanna talk about unfair. Someone else splashes mud on you and you try to wipe it off on other people. And I never asked nor required that of you. As a matter of fact, it’s the complete opposite of everything I’ve ever said.  It’s time to let go now.”

The Envy of the Unloved

“What’s it like to be in love? That’s all I been thinking of.
And I was just wondering, will love ever know me?
…my heart is open, and I’ve been hoping
To find what it is everybody keep on talking ’bout
What’s it like to be in love? That’s all [I’m] thinking of
And I was just wondering, will love ever know me?
…my heart is open, and I’ve been hoping
Somebody show me, what’s it like to be in love?”  What’s it Like – Jagged Edge
“The stronghold of ENVY”      James 4:2-3; Galatians 5:19-21 (CEV/MSG)
You want something you don’t have, and you will do anything to get it. You will even kill! Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. But you still cannot get what you want, and you won’t get it by fighting and arguing. You should pray for it.  [But] you wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. And even when you do pray, your prayers are not answered, because you pray just for selfish reasons.  It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.
A lot, if not all, of the trouble I have had with God is that if he was so “loving” to allow me to be molested, then why can’t he be loving enough to allow real love in my life and we can work all the other details out later. So what if every word you said up there was right. So what that you hit my life’s head right on the nose.  My question to You is how you can allow the people who hurt me to be “loved” but you put me on hold? No. Not hold. Stop. Complete and total stop. I barely even get a “hello” from gentlemen anymore. And while my stop is going on, you still flaunt other people’s “love” in my face – especially the ones that make me raise an eyebrow at them and myself.  Then, not only do you keep love from me, but then you tell me that I’m trying to get my own way??? I’ve never been loved, I’ve been taken advantage of and pressed down, but I’m being selfish???
God don’t play when He has a point to make.  A lot, if not all, of my major mind issues come from being molested. I am very clear about that now and I never have been. I tried to attribute my them to everything but that.  I also thought I knew all the major issues that I had…until recently.
I don’t have an issue with not having, or in this instance, being single.  I don’t have an issue with asking for love — I feel like I’ve been begging for it my whole life.  I also don’t have an issue with recognizing that why I want what I want is inherently selfish cause I never really concerned myself with what He may want out of it. I just want to not be single because frankly, I deserve to have someone love me for all that God has allowed this life to try and suck out of me.  So it’s the allowing stuff that I didn’t ask for and didn’t do nothing to ask for that I still can’t reconcile.
And yes, I know the Christian answers when you feel life has been unfair: “Jesus didn’t deserve what he got”, “you’ve done to God and to people” and “it’s for your good and His glory”, but frankly, neither of those answers change anything. Knowing that in my head ain’t healed my heart.
But my heart is catching up.

The 10-90 Rule

Malachi 3:6-12  MSG/NET

“I am God—yes, I Am. I haven’t changed. And because I haven’t changed and do not go back on my promises, you, the descendants of Jacob, haven’t been destroyed. You have a long history of ignoring my commands. You haven’t done a thing I’ve told you. Return to me so I can return to you,” says God-of-the-Angel-Armies, the Lord who rules over all.

“You ask, ‘But how do we return?’

“Begin by being honest. Do people rob God? But you rob me day after day.

“You ask, ‘How have we robbed you?’

“The tithe and the offering—that’s how! And now you’re under a curse —the whole lot of you—because you’re robbing me. You are bound for judgment because you are robbing me – this whole nation is guilty.  Bring your full and entire tithe to the storehouse so there will be ample provisions in my Temple. Test me in this and see if I don’t open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams…until there is no room for it all. For my part, I will defend you against marauders and pillagers, protect your wheat fields and vegetable gardens against plunderers.” says the Lord who rules over all.

“All nations will call you happy, for you indeed will live in  a delightful land. You’ll experience what it’s like to be a country of grace.” the Lord who rules over all says so.


Ok…let’s go back…way back…back into time!!

 I remember getting Malachi 3:6-12 a long time ago.  I’ve never had an actual issue with tithing, but receiving that Word from God solidified it…and me and God ain’t had NO problem with the 10 percent (or whatever percent or amount he told me to give) since.  I also, later on in my Christian journey God told me to fast from  “shopping” and “no meats”. At the time, I had just left my job and the only thing I could buy was food. So if you wanted to find me somewhere, I was usually in the supermarket.  Plus, at the time, I had remembered my Pastor saying that if you were having a serious sexual affliction, that fasting from meats would usually help.
Fast forward….within the last maybe 3-4 months, I kept getting Malachi 3:6-12 and/or that fast (somewhere along the line I had decided to tape the shopping one and the meat one together). It was on repeat for some reason.  I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about cause I always give my tithe purely in whatever amount he asked…sometimes I would ask if I could do more. And with the shopping/meats, I didn’t really get it cause I obviously hadn’t been shopping and I learned that the meat wasn’t my problem (*topic for another day).
I didn’t get it until this past week and until after Revvie preached a sermon from this set of scriptures.  On July 12, He told me that for 7 days there was again to be no shopping and no meat. I was like “oh boy, here we go”. I didn’t get it cause…again…I don’t shop. Especially since after a year of my rent being covered, now I’m expecting an eviction notice with no conceivable way out. So seriously, where was I going?  Mind you, at the same time, I can’t do meat.  And when I looked in my fridge, that’s pretty much all I had – at least to last me for 7 days. My veggie supply was real low. So I was like – “hold up…how am I gonna eat when these last asparagus spears are gone?? 7 days??”  And as usual, he said “my grace is sufficient for you my child”.

As I walked through this week, he ain’t lie.  I realized just how many LITTLE things I do to “shop” meaninglessly. Without thinking about it I’ll go to Rite Aid (where I don’t have the lil club card) and buy a Gatorade at full price just because it’s near the train. I’ll go to the dollar store and before I know it, I’ve spent $5 unnecessary dollars. The most expensive thing to get at the supermarket IS the meat, and even though I love my vegetables, all of a sudden I’ve really had a taste for a steak — and I get it only because I know I can. Cause if I was spending my “own money”, I wouldn’t be running to the store looking for a strip more than once a month.

Back to the 7 Day fast. I just came off the fast on Friday…and it was like I couldn’t WAIT to get to the store. Granted, that day there was stuff I actually needed. But somehow Saturday morning, I found myself at the mall. The mall I hadn’t been to in probably a year or more. Oh…wait…I wound up there in the first place cause I had talked myself into going to Old Navy for some flip flops. And I don’t even really wear flip flops, but somehow I thought that was a good idea.  God laughed. Cause when I got there I found out that they had actually taken the whole Old Navy conglomerate completely out of the mall. But  instead of catching the hint and leaving, I just started wandering aimlessly…almost LOOKING for something to buy. It’s been a loooooooooooooong time since I could consider going to Wendy’s and even getting a small fry and it was like all that stuff just kept calling me. Oooooh, I can get a Jamba Juice….OOOOOOOh, I can get a Cinnabon…..OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, I can go find a new bracelet in Forever 21.  I’m sure somebody thought I was crazy cause I got to a point where I just stopped in the middle of the mall and said out loud…”GET OUTTA HERE…YOU DON’T NEED NONE OF THIS STUFF!! GO HOME DOOFUS!!!”
Ok, so that’s the story.  Now to the point. It ain’t my 10 that God’s concerned about. It’s my 90. There are a few things I know God knows about me for sure.  Because I didn’t have anything left over for a long time and/or I didn’t know WHEN I’d be getting a re-up, I stayed asking God what to do with that 90.  And I never made an unnecessary move or did anything frivolous unless HE said it was ok first. When I needed winter boots, I ASKED for them. And I ain’t get them until He said YES. When I had to choose between getting a MetroCard or bus fare, He told me how to split up the little money I had and then got me the rest. He never failed. Never. I’m also a hoarder.  I had a habit of shorting somebody, not because I didn’t have it but to hold on to something “just to make sure” cause you never know who’s gonna ask for what when, and I’d rather be able to say I have XYZ than nothing at all. Then when I didn’t have a choice but spend everything, I was ok with letting it go — cause at that point, I didn’t have a choice. But faith don’t have to hoard, so I learned to let it go because I KNEW he had me, not just cause it was my only option. I liked it there. It was actually peaceful.
But it became crystal clear this weekend, that if I’m not careful…I can slide right back into the nonsense. The nonsense He was patient enough to deliver me from. Cause even though I ain’t remotely in the clear yet, I can see the opening. When I didn’t have 2 shekels to rub together, He never denied me anything I needed. Not food, Not shelter. Not transportation. And just because there’s a small glimmer of light in my tunnel, my situation is still helpless. I have to remember that it’s HIM connecting all the dots. PLUS, I know that I’ve asked him to do the impossible and remove my debt. And frankly, I know that He ain’t gonna help me get debt free only for me to go back into bondage again. Cause it’s one thing to dedicate your 90 to Him because you don’t have a choice, but it’s a complete ‘nother to dedicate it to him because even THAT belongs to Him and whether your 90 is $1 or $1 MILLION dollars, HE knows what He can do with it – and it would completely blow your mind.



The Journey

“I’ve been home for a while now, trying to make sense of it all. What I do know….I don’t belong here.” ‘Tommy Yates’, Home of the Brave, 2006

I don’t know how old I was when I was first molested. I honestly can’t remember. All I know is that I wasn’t in double digits yet. I hadn’t even been able to become a teenager and be weirded out about my body and what it was doing naturally.

I don’t want or desire to get into the who because some of them I don’t clearly remember either. Yes, some of them. Because there were multiple repeat offenders.   I know though, that the boys/men who did it know who they are. The ones who wouldn’t allow me to sleep at night. They know. The ones who told me that if I told I’D get in trouble. They know.  What’s ironic to me is that now, the ones I know of all have families. Children. Boys and girls. Wives and girlfriends.  Though I’m not around them to see, I’d like to know how they relate to those people. Those people that could be taken advantage of and told to be quiet. Those ones who could be scarred internally and only be able to keep going. I wonder what would happen if one of their innocents got their innocence taken from them in the dark.

*sigh*  I’m not going down that road again. That’s the spiral that keeps me angry. I don’t belong here. Trapped behind this wall of what happened. 

This is not where I was meant to reside (even though my tent has been pretty securely latched down for a while now).

the Trouble

“Every writer I know has trouble writing.” Joseph Heller

As I was sitting here staring at the wordpress app, debating whether to close the window (again) or click ‘new post’, I noticed that quote. Timely.

I wasn’t going to write again. Definitely not now…probably not any time soon. I dare not say ‘never’ because I know for sure that wasn’t going to happen if my Abba had anything to do with it.

My trouble isn’t with writing, it’s with what I have to write. But I know that I have to, simply because I don’t want to.

I’m on a final journey of healing. Healing from being molested. Healing from every crooked decision I’ve made because of it. Healing from never trusting in anything or anyone, including and most of all God.  *and before you get your face all twisted, you must understand that BELIEVING and TRUSTING are two very different garanimals.

Up to now, I’ve chatted with God about deliverance and healing and His answer to me was always “my grace is sufficient”. He pissed me off with that cause I never really understood it – at least not until now. I was never ready. I never knew how desperately I needed to deal with having been robbed and cheated of my self-worth, my dignity, my ability to choose, and my freedom.  But even more, He knew even better than I did. So His grace has allowed me to make those retarded decisions and suffer minimally (considering the alternatives). But now, because of his Love, in addition to his grace, he is adding his complete and total healing.

It’s only taken 38 years, 8 months, and 16 days.

I really luv this guy….! Praise God.