I really wish I could say that I’ve been quiet on the blog front because I’ve been burning the midnight oil on my final week of school. I haven’t. I wish I could say that I contemplating new ways of expression and new directions for my writing. I’d be lying.
What I have been doing is focusing on things that are so inconsequential, so minute, of such low regard that I couldn’t do what He called me to do. I’m annoyed about it so I can only IMAGINE how I’ve made HIM feel.
And it’s nothing new that I’m dealing with that’s causing the hiccup…I realized I’m still on the same old stuff that He 1) answered already, 2) dealt with already, 3) has been off of for a minute now. You can’t grow unless you let go. And I didn’t realize just how much baggage I was still walking around with. Baggage of doubt, anxiety, insecurity, lack of confidence…nonsense stuff….because He already ended all of that when He called me by my name.
But you know why I love Him so much. He ain’t surprised by my hold-up. He ain’t even dwelling on it and riding my back about it. He made it clear to me what the problem was and said “let’s fix it and here’s how”.
I heard. I’m on it.
It’s morning. It’s early. My wheels have already been in a perpetual state of spinning. All I have to do. All I haven’t done. How to get it all done. What’ll happen if it doesn’t get done.
There are many times when my first thoughts after opening my eyes are of everything that everyone else may need today. I already have my day mapped out in my dreams and usually wind up just as tired getting up as I was laying down.
I am a planner. Not that my self-hatched plans ever really work out, it’s just my defense mechanism. I am so used to having the rug pulled from under me that I try to make sure that I don’t ever miss anything. Today may be Tuesday, but I was already considering this day two weeks ago, and I’m already in the throws of wrestling with what might happen two weeks from now. Not because I have to, but because that’s just where my brain goes when I have no answers. And I have no answers except that Jesus is faithful and the Truth. And that should be enough except I still attempt to ensure myself the control I so desperately want but don’t have.
Thankfully, all I have to do is stop and remember that God is Sovereign (controls everything, rules everything, got everything sown up already) – and because He is, I can’t and don’t have to be.
Although I usually do not get into movie critiques and whatnot – either you liked it or you didn’t and I ain’t tryin to persuade you – but I had intended to talk about “Think Like a Man”. It worked out that I wasn’t able to see the movie just yet, but I did read the original book and found it highly entertaining, even if not wholly functional for my beliefs.
Originally, I was going to rip into what has been tagged as “The 90 Day Rule”…and how utterly stupid it is for someone, anyone to walk in it blindly as if that’s gonna be any type of gauge of a person or the relationship they want to have with you. But this morning I realized that the problem is not the rule – it’s the people.
Ladies, I’m talking to you. Woman to Woman (old, young, whatever). Non-virgin to Non-virgin (or virgin). Single to Single (and make no mistake – EVEN if you think you have a “boo”, you are STILL SINGLE.)
Before you start sucking your teeth and saying that things have “worked” for you, I’d like to find out how you know. If you’ve never done anything as drastically different as wholly committing to celibacy, how do you really know what “worked for you”? All you have is a comparison to everything else you’ve ever done and that’s not a true representation of how “well” it’s worked out. Oh…and let’s not forget that the ’90 day rule’ ain’t new…it just has a big name and definition behind it now. And if you did try it for a little while and it didn’t work for you, are you honestly trying to convince anyone that the feeling of being left after you’ve attached yourself to someone sexually is a better feeling than allowing someone to bounce from the gate because the only options they gave you were ‘have sex or I’m leavin’?
Lemme ask this as well, how much difference is there really between a rapist who wears a mask to hide himself and takes sex by force and manipulation and a man who will hide behind a mask of “caring”, and through emotional manipulation will work to make you think that what’s yours belongs to him before he has earned it? Before you tell me that’s a harsh analogy…you tell me how you felt after you got banged and left by someone you thought was “the one”. I can guarantee you, having been on both ends of the aforementioned spectrum, that the emotions in each case are just about the same.
So if you didn’t know, there is no expiration date on keeping what belongs to you. It’s yours. You have the choice of giving it to whomever and NO ONE EXCEPT GOD AND YOU HAVE ANY RIGHTS OVER IT. That’s the real rule.
Stop worrying about who to think like. Just try thinking.
I’ve been in a fog of the “end of the semester”. Writing papers and reading books and reading papers and writing books. In the midst of my research I came across a book called “Know Why You Believe” by Paul E. Little. In class a few days ago, my professor was talking about Thomas and how he REQUIRED to feel Jesus’ scars before he believed.
Thomas, like Peter, are my dudes. I’ve never taken to calling Thomas a “doubter”, because he was too much like me. Too much has happened in my life ESPECIALLY growing up “Christian” for me to blindfold my faith and say YES, YES I believe and run about the streets handing out tracts. Not gonna do it. He’s been putting me to the test this entire month and finally I had to be honest and say Listen Jesus…if you really want me to believe you, I need to SEE it. Finish what you started and confirm it for me.
“Doubting and questioning are normal to any thinking person. Rather than express shock, it is better for us to hear the questioner out and, if possible, even sharpen the question a little more.” p 29
A lot of folk don’t believe it but, “[f]aith in Christianity is based on evidence.” We have 66 accounts as evidence. “It is reasonable faith. Faith in the Christian sense goes beyond reason but not against it.” p 30
But see…here’s the clincher: “A doubter needs to see that he must come to a decision after having been given an answer…Continued doubt in the face of adequate information may be a cloak for unwillingness to believe, in which case the problem is that the questioner’s will has been set against God.” [..fought against the will of God and the call on his life…rather than praying clearing about his unwillingness to believe] p30-31
Sometimes you know what you want to express, but just can’t seem to spit it out in a way that’s truly befitting. In those times, He may just give you someone else’s words…especially when they are saying exactly what you want to say.
Thank you Dave Hollister for taking the words right out of my heart.
You settle into a routine, only to have it upended by something small. You have all your plans laid out, then one hour happens, and everything you lined up is off.
I’ve never believed in “chance” – and I don’t think things happen by coincidence. I think that everything happens because it was supposed to happen for some reason. Now before you get in an uproar because of something bad that happened to you that you had no control over so there couldn’t have been any reason for it, I’m here to tell you 1) I did too, having been molested and raped multiple times in my life, just as an example and 2)I’m finally at a place where I can reconcile the “good” of the “bad”, both big and small.
Imagine those times when you were late by 5 minutes, and as you went on your way, you hear about or see an accident that JUST happened. Be glad for your lost time.
Imagine those times when you had every intention of going out (wherever out may have been) and your plans got completely ruined, only to find out later that some massive tragedy happened OR that it wasn’t as interesting a function as you thought it would have been. Be glad that you had to sit at home (with your money still in your pocket and/or your legs underneath you – because you could have lost both and not been able to get them back).
So inhale and exhale…it’s really not that big a deal. As a matter of fact, it’s probably better than you think.
In the last 48 hours, I’ve seen and heard more “critiques” of Christianity that I have probably in a few years. Blaming Christianity for the decay of reality in the world…reeeeally? Discussion upon discussion about how believing in God is really no good for this or that. One person actually said “I’m spiritual, so I know Jesus wasn’t really that dude. He was just like anybody else…he wasn’t nobody.” In essence, it’s basically an attack on God and I apologize wholeheartedly on behalf of them for that.
I recognize that the fluffy easter bunny holiday is over, but we still have to know how to “forgive them for they know not what they do”. In this instance, the most vehemence is usually from people who have NO idea what it’s really all about or what we do here. I couldn’t care less if you memorized every scripture from Genesis to Revelation and can recite them upon command – if you don’t understand what’s behind all of it and never take any of it into your heart and life, don’t tell me nothin about what you think of God or his plan. You don’t have a clue.
So my question is: what’s your real question? What really bothers you? Since you don’t have a real living notion of what Christianity is all about, what do you really have the problem with? Having somebody you can’t control controlling you? Having to relate to people who put you up to your own mirror everytime you’re in their presence? Having to revamp your whole life system so that it doesn’t revolve around you?
Sounds more like it to me.