I really wish I could say that I’ve been quiet on the blog front because I’ve been burning the midnight oil on my final week of school. I haven’t. I wish I could say that I contemplating new ways of expression and new directions for my writing. I’d be lying.
What I have been doing is focusing on things that are so inconsequential, so minute, of such low regard that I couldn’t do what He called me to do. I’m annoyed about it so I can only IMAGINE how I’ve made HIM feel.
And it’s nothing new that I’m dealing with that’s causing the hiccup…I realized I’m still on the same old stuff that He 1) answered already, 2) dealt with already, 3) has been off of for a minute now. You can’t grow unless you let go. And I didn’t realize just how much baggage I was still walking around with. Baggage of doubt, anxiety, insecurity, lack of confidence…nonsense stuff….because He already ended all of that when He called me by my name.
But you know why I love Him so much. He ain’t surprised by my hold-up. He ain’t even dwelling on it and riding my back about it. He made it clear to me what the problem was and said “let’s fix it and here’s how”.
I heard. I’m on it.
It’s morning. It’s early. My wheels have already been in a perpetual state of spinning. All I have to do. All I haven’t done. How to get it all done. What’ll happen if it doesn’t get done.
There are many times when my first thoughts after opening my eyes are of everything that everyone else may need today. I already have my day mapped out in my dreams and usually wind up just as tired getting up as I was laying down.
I am a planner. Not that my self-hatched plans ever really work out, it’s just my defense mechanism. I am so used to having the rug pulled from under me that I try to make sure that I don’t ever miss anything. Today may be Tuesday, but I was already considering this day two weeks ago, and I’m already in the throws of wrestling with what might happen two weeks from now. Not because I have to, but because that’s just where my brain goes when I have no answers. And I have no answers except that Jesus is faithful and the Truth. And that should be enough except I still attempt to ensure myself the control I so desperately want but don’t have.
Thankfully, all I have to do is stop and remember that God is Sovereign (controls everything, rules everything, got everything sown up already) – and because He is, I can’t and don’t have to be.