I Don’t Care

I’ve gotten to the end of the list of people that I trusted and loved and I don’t have any intention of adding anyone else. I know we aren’t to trust in people but we do need to be able to trust people. I don’t and what’s worse, part of me wants to keep it that way.  I’ve spent the majority of my life giving up some piece of me for someone else – only to have those same people turn their backs on me, betray me, talk about me, call me every name in the book, etc, etc.  I used to think it was selflessness, now I realize it’s just stupid.  What’s worse is that I’m stuck in the past because everything in the present looks exactly the same now as then. It ain’t even a pattern any more, it just is what it is. I used to think I was so strong – that I could shoulder anything, especially for and from my friends and the people I loved – but I’ve found that that belief only allows people to dump their insecurities and problems and judgements on you and walk away, leaving you with their mess. And FORBID you even hint at the fact that it’s too heavy or you can’t hold it, now you’re the worst in the world.  Get over it. Ain’t nothin that bad.  Whatever. You should be fine and I don’t want to hear about it again.
I’ve been here before – where it was tough, but I fought and got through it. I put how I felt to the side and I tried to focus and buckle down and kept going.  Now I feel like quitting every day. I get up and I thank God for another opportunity to live for Him another day but I don’t have any desire to actually attain it.  That scares me because I’ve never felt that before. I go to work and I come home and I turn on the TV and I blank out til 2am then I finally go to sleep and do it all again. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of holding on. I’m so tired of being strong. I’m tired of being the bigger person. I’m tired of going through by myself.  I’m tired of the only in-depth conversation around being what Beyonce’s last performance was like or who is getting back at the man they been sleeping with but never got a commitment from.
I don’t care.

6 responses to “I Don’t Care

  • seanway

    I think I’ve felt similarly to you, sister. It’s OK to be vulnerable and thank God that he wants to hear our deepest hurts and pains, not just to wear a plastic smile. I’ve been learning this lesson about just being myself (the best version of myself that God makes me more to be day by day o’course) and not trying to be anything for anyone else necessarily, other than serving where it’s needed. May the Comforter be with you and provide you with those with whom you can truly go deep for the long haul!

  • Wingman646

    I was stuck in the same cycle for a very long time and I even allowed it to embitter me in very subtle ways that have even surfaced recently. I have always been one to put others ahead of myself and to set my own wants or needs to the side to satiate their own…it gave me a sense of satisfaction to be used in this way because I felt valuable, like I actually made a difference. But many times conflict would arise due to poor communication or just a series of bad days that removed the focus from what really matters: loving God – loving others. But I’ve been doing a lot of growing recently. I put out the media, like the trash it is, and I’ve devoted that time instead to the reading of the Word and to prayer. I want to learn everything about this Man who gave me unmerited favor and a new name. I want to talk to Him on a constant basis. And I’ve come to realize that He wants the same thing from me, to converse with me consistently hour-by-bour and minute-by-minute. He doesn’t micromanage, He just wants to help me stop failing at life (because I’m no good at it on my own!). I’ve come to find that the most meaningful conversations in my life have been with him…sometimes you just have to shut the world out for an hour or two and get alone with your Beloved 🙂

    Thanks for sharing!

    • theflufffreejournal

      Yeah…I had to stop leaning on my own understanding because it was killin me slowly. It’s one thing to know what or who God was telling me to sacrifice for, but it was another to just run off in my piety, and into a brick wall. Thank God for grace!

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