I’ve gotten to the end of the list of people that I trusted and loved and I don’t have any intention of adding anyone else. I know we aren’t to trust in people but we do need to be able to trust people. I don’t and what’s worse, part of me wants to keep it that way. I’ve spent the majority of my life giving up some piece of me for someone else – only to have those same people turn their backs on me, betray me, talk about me, call me every name in the book, etc, etc. I used to think it was selflessness, now I realize it’s just stupid. What’s worse is that I’m stuck in the past because everything in the present looks exactly the same now as then. It ain’t even a pattern any more, it just is what it is. I used to think I was so strong – that I could shoulder anything, especially for and from my friends and the people I loved – but I’ve found that that belief only allows people to dump their insecurities and problems and judgements on you and walk away, leaving you with their mess. And FORBID you even hint at the fact that it’s too heavy or you can’t hold it, now you’re the worst in the world. Get over it. Ain’t nothin that bad. Whatever. You should be fine and I don’t want to hear about it again.
I’ve been here before – where it was tough, but I fought and got through it. I put how I felt to the side and I tried to focus and buckle down and kept going. Now I feel like quitting every day. I get up and I thank God for another opportunity to live for Him another day but I don’t have any desire to actually attain it. That scares me because I’ve never felt that before. I go to work and I come home and I turn on the TV and I blank out til 2am then I finally go to sleep and do it all again. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of holding on. I’m so tired of being strong. I’m tired of being the bigger person. I’m tired of going through by myself. I’m tired of the only in-depth conversation around being what Beyonce’s last performance was like or who is getting back at the man they been sleeping with but never got a commitment from.
I don’t care.
There’s nothing like having a healthy mental Rolodex. Every now and again you can flip through and pull out pertinent stuff and sometimes it’s just whimsical nonsense that was fun for you at the time you filed it. But every now and again, you will find a few indexes that you thought you threw away. Actually, that you believed you set fire to and danced while the ashes shimmied around in the air. And it’s upon that discovery that you have to decide, once and for all, what you’ll do with that information. Do you shrug and tuck it back behind the “X” section (because how often will you actually go there)? Do you rip it to shreds and scatter the pieces in various garbage cans so that it can’t be pieced back together again?
Or do you acknowledge that you did indeed leave it there, discern the reason you kept it, then with clarity of thought, purpose and intent either destroy it because it is indeed useless information, or put it back where it belongs?