Only certain people know certain things, and even then, it may only be slightly more than the surface layer information. I never had the opportunity to establish a healthy vulnerability with others. Very few people “played nice” with me. And because of the powerlessness that I felt, I built up defenses to keep them all away. Because between the male misogyny and the female maliciousness – I never stood a chance.
I realize now that my wall wasn’t built so much to keep people out, but to keep me in. I had/have secrets. Secret thoughts, secret trauma, secret desires, secret memories that if anyone knew, they wouldn’t want to know me. And this was before I truly started my walk with Christ. So once I became “perfect”, as the church folk say, I had to keep pretending to be “perfect”. I couldn’t possibly show my scars because that would mean that I’m not really trying hard enough to be “good”. I couldn’t possibly be hurt or disappointed or sad or frustrated because that would mean I didn’t believe enough or have enough faith.
But eventually the space that I’d given myself got really, really tight. I didn’t fit anymore. He kept shaking my tree so that I couldn’t stay walled in behind my own mind. I didn’t notice it, but every time I would step into a stupid situation, God would use it to chip a brick. And frankly, the more absurd the situation, the more I had to be real about. I had to cry…publicly. I had to speak…publicly. I had to hurt…publicly. And I am private – I don’t do public.
But eventually, after the kicking and screaming died down, Christ started to show me that public was the only way to shine the light that was transmitting through me and that I had been blocking for so long.
March 27th, 2012 at 11:08 pm
Love reading blogs from folks whom I have had or have similarities with.
God is just amazing and let those bricks fall because they can be used to build yourself a stable and beautiful spirit filled home and every brick will be strategically placed!
Trust me..I have been there…
March 28th, 2012 at 2:49 am
I agree…it means a lot to find even a few of the seven thousand (1Kings 19:18)!!
Many of those bricks had to be ground into dust because they were useless. But even more of them fell from around me and simply became part of my foundation. :0)
March 28th, 2012 at 8:20 am
Keep pushing forward girl and stay afloat!!
Love ya!