I’m standing at a crossroads – a final crossroads – because this next decision will be the starting domino for the rest of my natural life. My obedience has begotten and necessitated more obedience and I’m being asked to trust far beyond my personal capability. As much as faith and trust should hold hands and sing ‘cum bah yah’ while working in tandem, they can’t if you won’t let them.
It’s time to move on. I’ve held on to my fears and “this place” long enough. Granted, they’ve been with me for 38 years – but that doesn’t make any difference now. The only thing I need now is the strength to keep pressing because I have “haters”. Those ones whose sole purpose is to keep you from accomplishing ANYTHING you set out to do. They crack jokes at your expense, they whisper discouragement in your ear, they talk about you behind your back, they lie and deceive other people to join in on their fun. I have more than my fair share of those. And what’s worse is that they all reside in me. I have at least two Sanballats, one Tobiah, four Sybils and a partridge running around freely in my own head. I don’t need anyone from the outside telling me how impossible this is or how insane that is because I am quite capable of expressing those things to myself.
And this is what has to change.
I was sitting and talking to God about how I remember days when I’d be going through something but hiding behind a godly smile because 1) I didn’t want anyone to know I was having trouble, 2) I thought that if you trust in God then you should smile, and 3) I thought it was wrong to be honest about it — seemed like complaining. But I was never really at peace or ever really had joy even though everyone may have thought I did because of the front I put on.
I’ve spent 92.8373% of my life as a walking, talking brick wall. Thankfully, I matured enough to only spend 4.225% of my life as a side of sheet rock. Transparent? No. Readily understood? Absolutely not.
Only certain people know certain things, and even then, it may only be slightly more than the surface layer information. I never had the opportunity to establish a healthy vulnerability with others. Very few people “played nice” with me. And because of the powerlessness that I felt, I built up defenses to keep them all away. Because between the male misogyny and the female maliciousness – I never stood a chance.
I realize now that my wall wasn’t built so much to keep people out, but to keep me in. I had/have secrets. Secret thoughts, secret trauma, secret desires, secret memories that if anyone knew, they wouldn’t want to know me. And this was before I truly started my walk with Christ. So once I became “perfect”, as the church folk say, I had to keep pretending to be “perfect”. I couldn’t possibly show my scars because that would mean that I’m not really trying hard enough to be “good”. I couldn’t possibly be hurt or disappointed or sad or frustrated because that would mean I didn’t believe enough or have enough faith.
But eventually the space that I’d given myself got really, really tight. I didn’t fit anymore. He kept shaking my tree so that I couldn’t stay walled in behind my own mind. I didn’t notice it, but every time I would step into a stupid situation, God would use it to chip a brick. And frankly, the more absurd the situation, the more I had to be real about. I had to cry…publicly. I had to speak…publicly. I had to hurt…publicly. And I am private – I don’t do public.
But eventually, after the kicking and screaming died down, Christ started to show me that public was the only way to shine the light that was transmitting through me and that I had been blocking for so long.