I have always felt powerless around people. I was always misunderstood, always ignored, always stuffed in a box, always told what to do and never having any options. So the one wall I never sincerely tried to tear down was the one I built to protect myself from people. But what has happened is that more and more people come to test me right at that wall — and in my heart, they usually win. But I never really understood why that was my revolving door of failure until just a little while ago.
I was rehashing this really painful and disappointing situation in my mind. I couldn’t rest from it. One night I was in broccoli mode and Criminal Minds was on. In one of the scenes they started talking about power – who really had it and what gave the “unsub” – unidentified subject – his power. On this episode, the unsub/criminal was a murderer who made a significant person witness his heinous crime and then left them alive. As the story unfolded, the team uncovered that as a really young boy, the unsub’s mother had made him witness and take part in horrible things (she was a drug abuser and a prostitute) and so he wound up inflicting the same type of pain on other people. He would force young children into a partially open closet in the parents’ room as he tortured and killed the parents. A shiver ran through my body because I realized that I’m an unsub. I don’t literally murder people, but in trying to take my power back after I’ve been hurt, I can completely kill someone off mentally and spiritually. My responses in hurtful situations really had much less to do with what actually happened as it had to do with feeling, rather not wanting to feel, powerless.
But the truth of the matter is that I wasn’t welding any power in that response, I was simply being masochistic. Because trying to hurt people who have wounded you without them knowing you want them to hurt only hurts you. They typically don’t really notice that you haven’t called. They don’t really care that you haven’t been around. They definitely aren’t concerned enough to wonder what happened. Those are all the questions you take on, in addition to whatever issue you experienced. You might as well handcuff yourself to a shrub and resign to eating fallen leaves from its branches and waiting for rain to have a sip to drink.
But God reminded me what my actual power source is. Jesus was in complete anguish over what he had to do but STILL conceded to do it anyway. He always knew where his power came from and how to use it. I’ll be honest, my response was “WELL I AIN’T JESUS…so to hell with this fraganakle crap!” But while I may not BE Jesus, I HAVE Jesus so the same thing he could do, I can do with him in me. I am really quick to detach from my vine when it’s time to take cover but He keeps telling me I not only don’t have to, but it truly isn’t in my best interests either.